The Journey We Cannot Fully Control: Trauma, Choice, and Narrative Awareness®

When we work with trauma, we often encounter a difficult reality: not everything can be changed.

Some circumstances are outside a person’s control. A loss cannot be undone. The past cannot be rewritten. A crisis may continue. The environment may remain uncertain. Sometimes, even the next stop in life is not ours to choose.

This raises an important question for anyone working with trauma:

How do we support agency without implying that a person should be able to control circumstances that are genuinely beyond their control?

One metaphor that can help us think about this is a train journey.

Imagine Life as a Train

Imagine that you are traveling on a train.

You did not necessarily build the track. You cannot turn the train left or right whenever you choose. You may not determine its speed. An obstacle ahead may unexpectedly stop the train.

There are things about the journey that are simply outside your control.

Trauma can feel very much like this.

An unexpected event can interrupt the direction of a person’s life. There may be stops they never anticipated, losses they never chose, and circumstances they cannot change.

Sometimes the train simply has to stop.

Stopping does not mean that the journey has failed.

At the same time, being unable to control the track does not necessarily mean that a person has no agency at all. Even within difficult circumstances, there may be small areas of influence and choice. This tension between what we can and cannot control emerged in our professional discussion at VELA Well-being. Pasted text

Perhaps I can decide where to place my attention.

Perhaps I can choose whom I speak with.

Perhaps I can ask someone to travel beside me.

Perhaps I can rest.

Perhaps I can decide that today I am not ready to move forward.

Or perhaps I can take one small next step.

These choices may seem small, but during trauma, small choices can matter greatly.

Narrative Awareness®: Before Changing, We Observe

Narrative Awareness® adds another dimension to this metaphor.

Human beings do not only experience what happens to us. We also develop stories around those experiences.

We may begin telling ourselves:

I will never recover from this.

Everything has changed.

I should be stronger.

I have to keep going.

I cannot depend on anyone.

There is nothing I can do.

These narratives are not simply “good” or “bad.” They arise from our experiences, emotions, relationships, memories, expectations, and attempts to make sense of what is happening.

That is why Narrative Awareness® does not begin with changing the story.

It begins with Being.

From there, the process moves through:

Being → Observing → Accepting → Understanding → Choosing → Changing/Keeping

The distinction is especially important in trauma work.

We do not need to immediately ask:

“How can I change this story?”

We can first ask:

“What story am I noticing?”

Observation Creates Space

Consider sitting on that train and looking through the window.

You notice where you are.

You notice the landscape.

You notice what is happening inside the train.

And perhaps you also notice what is happening within yourself.

What am I feeling?

What am I thinking?

What am I telling myself about what is happening?

What am I afraid will happen next?

What do I believe this experience says about me?

What am I expecting from myself?

Observation does not require us to immediately fix anything.

Sometimes awareness itself is an important step.

Acceptance Is Not Giving Up

This distinction becomes particularly important when circumstances truly cannot be changed.

Acceptance does not mean that what happened was acceptable.

It does not mean approving of injustice, loss, violence, suffering, or trauma.

And it does not mean abandoning hope.

Acceptance can simply mean:

This is where I am right now.

We recognize the station at which the train has stopped before deciding what, if anything, is possible next.

Only then can we begin to understand more deeply what the experience means to us and what narrative may be developing around it.

The Person Is More Than the Trauma

Professionals working with trauma understandably focus on suffering.

We ask:

What happened?

What symptoms are present?

What needs immediate support?

What is causing distress?

These questions are necessary.

But when trauma becomes the only lens through which we see a person, something important can disappear from view.

During our VELA professional discussion, we also reflected on the importance of shifting attention toward strengths, relationships, community, and what remains within a person’s sphere of influence. Pasted text

A person who has experienced trauma is still more than the trauma.

There may still be relationships.

There may still be abilities.

There may still be values.

There may still be dreams.

There may still be humor, love, curiosity, spirituality, creativity, identity, and hope.

Recognizing these things does not minimize suffering.

It allows us to see the whole human being.

From Understanding to Choice

As awareness develops, another possibility emerges: choice.

We can begin asking:

Does this narrative still reflect my experience?

Is this story helping me understand what happened, or is it limiting what I believe is possible?

Is there another perspective I have not considered?

What do I want to carry with me?

What am I ready to leave behind?

Do I want to change this narrative, or do I want to keep it?

That final question matters.

Narrative Awareness® is not based on the assumption that every story needs to be rewritten.

Changing and keeping are both choices.

The goal is greater awareness of the narrative and its influence, so that when choice becomes possible, it belongs to the person.

We Do Not Travel Alone

There is another beautiful part of the train metaphor: other people can travel with us.

Our professional conversation reflected on a journey in which there are different stops and different people who may be invited onto the train. Pasted text

Trauma can isolate.

Connection can remind us that we are still part of something larger than the experience we are enduring.

For someone experiencing trauma, we might gently ask:

Who is already on your train?

Who helps you feel seen?

Who reminds you of who you are beyond this experience?

Who can sit beside you without demanding that you move faster?

Who might you need to invite aboard?

And for professionals who spend their days supporting others, there is another question that may be equally important:

Who is traveling beside you?

A Reflection for Helping Professionals

The next time you are supporting someone through trauma, consider pausing before asking what needs to change.

Instead, become curious:

Where is this person right now?

What is genuinely outside their control?

What remains within their influence?

What narrative may be forming around this experience?

What strengths, relationships, identities, hopes, or possibilities remain present?

And most importantly:

What choice belongs to them?

We may not be able to change the track.

We cannot prevent every unexpected stop.

We cannot remove every obstacle from another person’s journey.

But we can sit beside someone.

We can help create space for observation.

We can listen without rushing toward change.

We can recognize suffering while continuing to see the whole person.

And sometimes, within that space, a person begins to discover what remains within reach.

Being → Observing → Accepting → Understanding → Choosing → Changing/Keeping

Narrative Awareness®

What are you noticing about your journey today?

VELA Well-being
Supporting those who support others.