A 16-year-old boy is increasingly withdrawn, spending time online and avoiding school despite no visible issues at school. His parents seek guidance on addressing screen time, underlying emotional health, and family reconnection.
Question from Parents
Our 16-year-old barely talks to us and spends most of his time on his phone. What should we do?
A 16-year-old boy is increasingly withdrawn, spending time online and avoiding school despite no visible issues at school. His parents seek guidance on addressing screen time, underlying emotional health, and family reconnection.
Professional Response
When a young person withdraws into a phone or digital world, it can be tempting to make the device the center of the problem.
But before asking:
“How do we get him off the phone?”
it may be more helpful to ask:
“What is the phone doing for him?”
The phone may be the visible behavior rather than the underlying issue.
A teenager may turn toward a digital environment for many different reasons: connection, stimulation, predictability, escape, belonging, privacy, relief from uncomfortable emotions, or simply enjoyment.
The information available in this case is not enough to determine why this particular teenager has withdrawn.
That uncertainty matters.
Before attempting to correct the behavior, adults need to understand more about what changed, when it changed, and what was happening in the teenager’s life around that time.
The goal should not initially be to diagnose the teenager or assume that technology itself is responsible.
Instead, become curious.
What is happening in his world?
What does he experience online that he may not be experiencing elsewhere?
When does he seem most comfortable?
When does he withdraw?
Has his sleep changed?
Has his mood changed?
Are there friendships or relationships that adults do not know about?
Did something happen at school, at home, online, or elsewhere before the withdrawal began?
And importantly:
What does he say about his own experience?
A teenager’s behavior communicates something even when the teenager is not yet able or willing to explain it verbally.
Practical Suggestions
Begin with connection, not correction. Before imposing consequences, look for opportunities to be with the teenager without immediately questioning him about school, behavior, or phone use.
Become curious about his digital world. Instead of beginning with “Put your phone away,” try to understand what interests him there. What does he watch? What does he create? Who does he communicate with? What does he enjoy about it?
The goal is not surveillance. It is understanding.
Look for the beginning of the change. Consider when the withdrawal, school reluctance, or increased phone use started. What else was happening at that time?
Gather information from multiple environments. Parents, teachers, school support staff, and the teenager himself may each see a different part of the picture. No single perspective necessarily tells the entire story.
Create opportunities for offline connection rather than only removing online connection. Shared meals, walking, sports, cooking, driving somewhere together, creative activities, or other low-pressure experiences can create opportunities for communication without demanding it.
Avoid premature labels. Withdrawal and heavy technology use alone do not establish a diagnosis. If there are concerns about significant changes in mood, functioning, sleep, school attendance, relationships, or behavior, consider seeking an evaluation from an appropriately qualified professional.
Ask different questions.
Instead of:
“Why are you always on your phone?”
consider:
“What do you enjoy about being online?”
“How have things been feeling lately?”
“Is there anything making school harder right now?”
“What would make things a little easier?”
And perhaps:
“You don’t have to explain everything to me right now. I just want you to know that I’m here when you’re ready.”
Sometimes the first goal is not getting a teenager to put down the phone.
It is creating enough safety and connection that the teenager has something meaningful to return to.